She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

close up photo of blue sea waves

I hate having self-talks,
Because therein lies loneliness, nightmares
And a visit to my smelly past,
Which further exposes my inner struggles,
However, this one’s special,
I got to unwind, and reflect,

This love is way too much for me,
She gives it away,
She gives it all,
Like she doesn’t need any of it,
But, wait, does she lose any?
By simply sharing it, jealously, I guess not,
To her it’s a form of therapy,

That she loves me is not in contention at all,
My concern is her expectation,
Didn’t the wise say, to whom much is given,
much is expected?
There goes my greatest worry,
She is too good for me,
I belong to the category of ‘bad’ boys,
The much I try to show my true self to her,
The much she overdoses me with her unconditional love,

Fear has gripped my soul,
I am not sure if I will put up with her high standards of love,
I dream of a day fate will catch up with my pretense,
She will catch up with me too,
What’s the worst that can happen anyway?
Obviously, rejection
Isn’t that so?

After all, I do not have a heart left anymore,
Not only is it worn out but broken and re-broken,
I lost count how many times,
She isn’t to blame at all, I am
For making her pay for the sins of her predecessors,
She will realize how much I took advantage of her,
How much I used her,
To satisfy my vengeance and bitterness,
From the past,
She will love me not anymore

I have a lot of self-conciliation to do,
I am broken, beyond repair,
She did her part, offered me love,
At my greatest point of need,
But did I treat her the same way?
Fate will for sure catch up with me,
I am ready to pay,
Isn’t that what a man exists for?
Paying for everything,
Of course society is wired that way,

This is a dream that I’m afraid of,
I’m tempted to open up and apologize,
But that’s going to sound so cliché
‘Please love, don’t reject me’,
Asking for love again would be too much to ask,
All I need is acceptance, back into her life,
As an insignificant other,
That way, I’d be able to seek her attention,
Without strings attached,

It would be too late to love,
Too fast for her,
My prayer is for life to teach me right,
To learn from my past,
And find peace within me,
But because my heart is not ripe for her,
She will continue to love me not,
Even though, she used to love me

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