There is a certain darkness hovering around my vicinity,
I can feel it within and without;
There are memories in my head that plunge me into a river of sadness,
It’s intricate pain, trauma, PTSD all cocooned into fear; fear of the unknown!
I’m afraid to tap into that subconscious suitcase of heartache
I want to run away from my thoughts when that side comes into play
It takes me back to when I was a child, a helpless child with no bearing in life whatsoever
I remember the chaos that was a constant in that house
That house that was so wrecked it could barely be recognized as a home!
It was a dream to die for from the outside
In the inside, it was war; war of love!
It destroyed me
It crashed my image of what a functional family should be
It distorted the meaning of marriage;
I was in a constant dilemma; always worried of what could happen next
I remember nights where I couldn’t sleep because the chaos was too loud to ignore
Behind closed doors, adults were trying to settle issues out; with their fists and hurtful words
I remember it like it was yesterday
I remember the cycle; it was unending
I remember threats; threats of abandonment
I remember crying myself to sleep;
There were nights when I wanted to run away,
To get away from the toxicity
It was too much my innocent heart could not bear!
I wondered how adults handle their issues;
I didn’t know the right way to do it but I knew that what I witnessed wasn’t the right way.
Oh, I’m scared! When these thoughts come to mind,
I feel like I’m a kid all over again,
I’m helpless and broken when I’m in this head space
The trauma is too much for the adult me to handle
When I close my eyes, I can see it all!
I can feel it all once again.
I dread these thoughts, these feelings and worst of all; these memories.
Their love took me to hell! It broke parts of me that were fragile and innocent
It built parts of me that are now doubtful, barricaded and closed off from public access
Every now and then I’m in a dark room mentally;
Fear develops constantly in there