She loves me she loves me not.

gray cave near body of water

I met her in 2005, a small boy just new into high school and wasn’t really aware of what was happening. We were out for our annual music festival and the thought of me not getting a share of the thrill was sickening. Then I met this girl who to me was everything I ever wanted, I mean she was everything a man wanted. I was love struck from the word go.

I will not leave you that’s the first promise that would leave me in years of torture and torment. I mean this lady would take me to the extremes. One day she promises heaven and surely, she delivers but the next minute you’re there reeking in pain and despair. The funny thing is the pain and despair led you back to the lady and the cycle would always go back to where it all started. She would allow me to take care of all her bills and wants, not one single day I ever lacked to give her the attention she needed and adamantly demanded. You might call this an abusive relationship but me not talking to her is like me not breathing.

The first time I decided to leave her is when I fell into a ditch and hurt myself all because I wasn’t in control of my emotions. All I could think of was why would she act so bad? I am always a good person. I treat her right and she always does these dirty little tricks on my mind that get me fucked up. It was her who made me go to somewhere safe where I couldn’t communicate with her. For all the time I spent there, I only had contact with her once and I deeply regretted it. Once back to civilization, the only thing I could think of was her.

I had truly missed her and she wouldn’t budge running through my mind. It took 3 months for me to hold the resistance and I gave up. I had to meet with her and surely, I did; hard. This time she promised to be soft and easy on me but it took a whole year for me to realize that I was back to the same abusive relationship. I had hoped this time it would be different but the love I felt was too immense for me to actually handle. At some point I thought about the ditches, trenches and injuries (both physical and mental) she had put me through and I would give up. No communication no contacts; and coming to think of it those were the best times I ever had. Well, love is a beautiful thing so they say and here I was, a young man full of her praise and awe. I couldn’t think of a better way to enjoy my leisure unless she was with me. Her company is all I could think of.

Her taste did something to my brain that even sex wasn’t enough to satisfy. Her words were music to my ears. I could hardly get enough. All the time we spent together were bundled up in one short thrilling experience that bore regrets and more regrets but I couldn’t back out. The hold she had on me made me believe that this was love. This is what I always wanted and needed. She fulfilled me most of the times and when she went hard on me the feeling was mutual.
I couldn’t pay the bills. I had to back out and leave. Am still thinking of finally quitting this relationship but she is a go getter and letting go of her is hectic but that day will come when I’m done with her for good.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference!


2 thoughts on “She loves me she loves me not.

    1. This read is so deep; I stan!
      I see love or misguided love, I see struggle, the need to disengage from ‘someone’ that seems to control the writer, takes him to deep levels of pain and pleasure. It appears as though the writer should just walk away and never look back but that in itself is a war within. J.M.N did an impeccable job I must admit. Got me thinking about my sources of pleasure and pain….I see you J.M.N and I dig this so much.

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