Author: J

There is a whole year
Where I was numb
Numb to my feelings
I was aware of them
But didn’t feel them
My mind was carrying the burden
My heart
Made of glass
Was shattered ages ago
And the refurbished one
Was trying to be avoidant
It dissociated from my experiences
And chose to be a silent character
Keeping a safe distance
Like a spectator!

My mind
Made of stone
Navigated the entire situation
Which tore me to pieces
Skin to bone!
I couldn’t write about it
Nor talk about it
I cried about it
Wept severally in the night

Wet pillows
A shattered heart
A broken soul
Made his warm arms
That were my safe haven
Feel cold as ice;
I was frozen in time
In pain
In a situation that I couldn’t control
Or do anything to fix
I was lost for that whole year

I still won’t allow myself
To go back there
To that hospital
That time
When fear is all we had
No faith to hold onto;
We were rookies in that world
With no clue of how heavy it would feel
To have a sick family member
With terminal illness.
Oh what a mountain!

J.Epereje©

Thoughts of you
Keep me company
In the nights when I can’t sleep!
Memories of your betrayal
Hold me close
On the warm nights
Keeping me cold and woke
The emptiness you left,
Has become my partner;
When fear grips me in the dark!

Loneliness has become the new normal,
I no longer wish you were in my bed,
I love how big my space has become!
Selfish me;
I’m no longer obligated to share the best parts of me with you.

The sweetness of your voice
Has been blown away by the morning wind
I no longer crave for it to wake me up
Your soft touch and passionate caresses
Are nothing but a memory in the past
The warmth of your body close to mine
Is now but a déjà vu
I only remember it partially
The love I had for you;
I buried it deep in the caverns of my existence
It is useless, it does not evoke any emotions
It’s like that stranger’s perfume from ages ago
It lost it’s strength!

J.Epereje©

There is a certain darkness hovering around my vicinity,
I can feel it within and without;
There are memories in my head that plunge me into a river of sadness,
It’s intricate pain, trauma, PTSD all cocooned into fear; fear of the unknown!

I’m afraid to tap into that subconscious suitcase of heartache
I want to run away from my thoughts when that side comes into play

It takes me back to when I was a child, a helpless child with no bearing in life whatsoever
I remember the chaos that was a constant in that house
That house that was so wrecked it could barely be recognized as a home!

It was a dream to die for from the outside
In the inside, it was war; war of love!
It destroyed me
It crashed my image of what a functional family should be
It distorted the meaning of marriage;

I was in a constant dilemma; always worried of what could happen next
I remember nights where I couldn’t sleep because the chaos was too loud to ignore
Behind closed doors, adults were trying to settle issues out; with their fists and hurtful words

I remember it like it was yesterday
I remember the cycle; it was unending
I remember threats; threats of abandonment
I remember crying myself to sleep;
There were nights when I wanted to run away,
To get away from the toxicity

It was too much my innocent heart could not bear!
I wondered how adults handle their issues;
I didn’t know the right way to do it but I knew that what I witnessed wasn’t the right way.

Oh, I’m scared! When these thoughts come to mind,
I feel like I’m a kid all over again,

I’m helpless and broken when I’m in this head space
The trauma is too much for the adult me to handle

When I close my eyes, I can see it all!
I can feel it all once again.
I dread these thoughts, these feelings and worst of all; these memories.

Their love took me to hell! It broke parts of me that were fragile and innocent
It built parts of me that are now doubtful, barricaded and closed off from public access

Every now and then I’m in a dark room mentally;
Fear develops constantly in there

J.Epereje©

I have thought of beauty, I have thought of you,
I believe in love, I believe that your heart was true,
I have taken a long time to see, I have taken enough time to be,
I saw us in a future together, I even believed that we had a future together,
What is Love? It is about us, it is about trust?
When what I have felt matters then I may have a chance to fix my heart as it is battered,
For you as a man I forever would have catered,
Watch the children in their honesty,
Witness my intentions before God and man I bare myself honestly,
A hard time it has been, my capabilities are an asset to the team ,
Trust and us cannot be mentioned without U,
It may not be usual that as a man I claim to love you,
Time has made me insecure of security,
A man of his word is judged on the basis of purity,
In haste I have made my mistakes,
In emotional turmoil forgiveness has escaped,
You said it was only I, you only had eyes for me,
But the confidence strangers made an approach with gave me a different perspective,
You said I had you feeling brand new, water in the cold always turns to dew,
Out of love we a accomplished many a task,
What it turned into, I cannot fathom, that you prefer your own company is not random,
She loves me, she loves me not, no longer can I be sure, I loved you now I love you not of that am sure.

Ghaiza©

I met her in 2005, a small boy just new into high school and wasn’t really aware of what was happening. We were out for our annual music festival and the thought of me not getting a share of the thrill was sickening. Then I met this girl who to me was everything I ever wanted, I mean she was everything a man wanted. I was love struck from the word go.

I will not leave you that’s the first promise that would leave me in years of torture and torment. I mean this lady would take me to the extremes. One day she promises heaven and surely, she delivers but the next minute you’re there reeking in pain and despair. The funny thing is the pain and despair led you back to the lady and the cycle would always go back to where it all started. She would allow me to take care of all her bills and wants, not one single day I ever lacked to give her the attention she needed and adamantly demanded. You might call this an abusive relationship but me not talking to her is like me not breathing.

The first time I decided to leave her is when I fell into a ditch and hurt myself all because I wasn’t in control of my emotions. All I could think of was why would she act so bad? I am always a good person. I treat her right and she always does these dirty little tricks on my mind that get me fucked up. It was her who made me go to somewhere safe where I couldn’t communicate with her. For all the time I spent there, I only had contact with her once and I deeply regretted it. Once back to civilization, the only thing I could think of was her.

I had truly missed her and she wouldn’t budge running through my mind. It took 3 months for me to hold the resistance and I gave up. I had to meet with her and surely, I did; hard. This time she promised to be soft and easy on me but it took a whole year for me to realize that I was back to the same abusive relationship. I had hoped this time it would be different but the love I felt was too immense for me to actually handle. At some point I thought about the ditches, trenches and injuries (both physical and mental) she had put me through and I would give up. No communication no contacts; and coming to think of it those were the best times I ever had. Well, love is a beautiful thing so they say and here I was, a young man full of her praise and awe. I couldn’t think of a better way to enjoy my leisure unless she was with me. Her company is all I could think of.

Her taste did something to my brain that even sex wasn’t enough to satisfy. Her words were music to my ears. I could hardly get enough. All the time we spent together were bundled up in one short thrilling experience that bore regrets and more regrets but I couldn’t back out. The hold she had on me made me believe that this was love. This is what I always wanted and needed. She fulfilled me most of the times and when she went hard on me the feeling was mutual.
I couldn’t pay the bills. I had to back out and leave. Am still thinking of finally quitting this relationship but she is a go getter and letting go of her is hectic but that day will come when I’m done with her for good.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference!

J.M.N©

My heart is in pain
No, more like in shock!
It’s cold
It’s like I’m present here
But not really present anywhere;
It was beginning to familiarize itself with feelings of love
But it’s been stopped fast on it’s tracks
It was beginning to thaw out feelings of pain and betrayal
But then it met a suitcase full of mistrust and the biggest ball of betrayal;
Now my heart is freezing again
Never to thaw out in the near future!

I’m in a dark room
Fear seems to be familiarizing itself with me
There are seats arranged in a circle
Like in an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting
It seems like there is an intervention going on
But I can’t seem to see the others present
I’m seated in a corner, on the floor
More like trying to hide;
Like a terrified child
The voices in my head are terrifying
One voice in particular is of a sadistic laughter
I cover my ears
My head buried in my thighs
I try to lock them out of my head
But all I can do is cry like a helpless baby
Because for the first time in my life
Life cheated me
It made me a laughing stock
And the ghosts are darker than the room I’m in
I can’t seem to see them;
I’m scared to meet them
And for once, life has punched me in the gut!
I don’t know if I can save myself
I’m scared I might not find my way out of this dark room

J.Epereje©