photography of a snowy mountain during nighttime

There is a whole year
Where I was numb
Numb to my feelings
I was aware of them
But didn’t feel them
My mind was carrying the burden
My heart
Made of glass
Was shattered ages ago
And the refurbished one
Was trying to be avoidant
It dissociated from my experiences
And chose to be a silent character
Keeping a safe distance
Like a spectator!

My mind
Made of stone
Navigated the entire situation
Which tore me to pieces
Skin to bone!
I couldn’t write about it
Nor talk about it
I cried about it
Wept severally in the night

Wet pillows
A shattered heart
A broken soul
Made his warm arms
That were my safe haven
Feel cold as ice;
I was frozen in time
In pain
In a situation that I couldn’t control
Or do anything to fix
I was lost for that whole year

I still won’t allow myself
To go back there
To that hospital
That time
When fear is all we had
No faith to hold onto;
We were rookies in that world
With no clue of how heavy it would feel
To have a sick family member
With terminal illness.
Oh what a mountain!



lake and mountain

Thoughts of you
Keep me company
In the nights when I can’t sleep!
Memories of your betrayal
Hold me close
On the warm nights
Keeping me cold and woke
The emptiness you left,
Has become my partner;
When fear grips me in the dark!

Loneliness has become the new normal,
I no longer wish you were in my bed,
I love how big my space has become!
Selfish me;
I’m no longer obligated to share the best parts of me with you.

The sweetness of your voice
Has been blown away by the morning wind
I no longer crave for it to wake me up
Your soft touch and passionate caresses
Are nothing but a memory in the past
The warmth of your body close to mine
Is now but a déjà vu
I only remember it partially
The love I had for you;
I buried it deep in the caverns of my existence
It is useless, it does not evoke any emotions
It’s like that stranger’s perfume from ages ago
It lost it’s strength!



monochrome photo of dark hallway

There is a certain darkness hovering around my vicinity,
I can feel it within and without;
There are memories in my head that plunge me into a river of sadness,
It’s intricate pain, trauma, PTSD all cocooned into fear; fear of the unknown!

I’m afraid to tap into that subconscious suitcase of heartache
I want to run away from my thoughts when that side comes into play

It takes me back to when I was a child, a helpless child with no bearing in life whatsoever
I remember the chaos that was a constant in that house
That house that was so wrecked it could barely be recognized as a home!

It was a dream to die for from the outside
In the inside, it was war; war of love!
It destroyed me
It crashed my image of what a functional family should be
It distorted the meaning of marriage;

I was in a constant dilemma; always worried of what could happen next
I remember nights where I couldn’t sleep because the chaos was too loud to ignore
Behind closed doors, adults were trying to settle issues out; with their fists and hurtful words

I remember it like it was yesterday
I remember the cycle; it was unending
I remember threats; threats of abandonment
I remember crying myself to sleep;
There were nights when I wanted to run away,
To get away from the toxicity

It was too much my innocent heart could not bear!
I wondered how adults handle their issues;
I didn’t know the right way to do it but I knew that what I witnessed wasn’t the right way.

Oh, I’m scared! When these thoughts come to mind,
I feel like I’m a kid all over again,

I’m helpless and broken when I’m in this head space
The trauma is too much for the adult me to handle

When I close my eyes, I can see it all!
I can feel it all once again.
I dread these thoughts, these feelings and worst of all; these memories.

Their love took me to hell! It broke parts of me that were fragile and innocent
It built parts of me that are now doubtful, barricaded and closed off from public access

Every now and then I’m in a dark room mentally;
Fear develops constantly in there


She loves me, She loves me not.

silhouette of trees and mountain

I have thought of beauty, I have thought of you,
I believe in love, I believe that your heart was true,
I have taken a long time to see, I have taken enough time to be,
I saw us in a future together, I even believed that we had a future together,
What is Love? It is about us, it is about trust?
When what I have felt matters then I may have a chance to fix my heart as it is battered,
For you as a man I forever would have catered,
Watch the children in their honesty,
Witness my intentions before God and man I bare myself honestly,
A hard time it has been, my capabilities are an asset to the team ,
Trust and us cannot be mentioned without U,
It may not be usual that as a man I claim to love you,
Time has made me insecure of security,
A man of his word is judged on the basis of purity,
In haste I have made my mistakes,
In emotional turmoil forgiveness has escaped,
You said it was only I, you only had eyes for me,
But the confidence strangers made an approach with gave me a different perspective,
You said I had you feeling brand new, water in the cold always turns to dew,
Out of love we a accomplished many a task,
What it turned into, I cannot fathom, that you prefer your own company is not random,
She loves me, she loves me not, no longer can I be sure, I loved you now I love you not of that am sure.


She loves me she loves me not.

gray cave near body of water

I met her in 2005, a small boy just new into high school and wasn’t really aware of what was happening. We were out for our annual music festival and the thought of me not getting a share of the thrill was sickening. Then I met this girl who to me was everything I ever wanted, I mean she was everything a man wanted. I was love struck from the word go.

I will not leave you that’s the first promise that would leave me in years of torture and torment. I mean this lady would take me to the extremes. One day she promises heaven and surely, she delivers but the next minute you’re there reeking in pain and despair. The funny thing is the pain and despair led you back to the lady and the cycle would always go back to where it all started. She would allow me to take care of all her bills and wants, not one single day I ever lacked to give her the attention she needed and adamantly demanded. You might call this an abusive relationship but me not talking to her is like me not breathing.

The first time I decided to leave her is when I fell into a ditch and hurt myself all because I wasn’t in control of my emotions. All I could think of was why would she act so bad? I am always a good person. I treat her right and she always does these dirty little tricks on my mind that get me fucked up. It was her who made me go to somewhere safe where I couldn’t communicate with her. For all the time I spent there, I only had contact with her once and I deeply regretted it. Once back to civilization, the only thing I could think of was her.

I had truly missed her and she wouldn’t budge running through my mind. It took 3 months for me to hold the resistance and I gave up. I had to meet with her and surely, I did; hard. This time she promised to be soft and easy on me but it took a whole year for me to realize that I was back to the same abusive relationship. I had hoped this time it would be different but the love I felt was too immense for me to actually handle. At some point I thought about the ditches, trenches and injuries (both physical and mental) she had put me through and I would give up. No communication no contacts; and coming to think of it those were the best times I ever had. Well, love is a beautiful thing so they say and here I was, a young man full of her praise and awe. I couldn’t think of a better way to enjoy my leisure unless she was with me. Her company is all I could think of.

Her taste did something to my brain that even sex wasn’t enough to satisfy. Her words were music to my ears. I could hardly get enough. All the time we spent together were bundled up in one short thrilling experience that bore regrets and more regrets but I couldn’t back out. The hold she had on me made me believe that this was love. This is what I always wanted and needed. She fulfilled me most of the times and when she went hard on me the feeling was mutual.
I couldn’t pay the bills. I had to back out and leave. Am still thinking of finally quitting this relationship but she is a go getter and letting go of her is hectic but that day will come when I’m done with her for good.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference!


Letter to Temptation

woman standing on the cliff

Misguided love,
Suffocating me;
Leaving me completely out of breath,
I long for you
To reassure me
Of my place in your life
For my heart is heavy
With a love that is forbidden
One that might shatter my heart
If it is not reciprocated;

Forbidden love,
Sweeter than the forbidden fruit,
Excites me as much as it scares me,
Tempting me
To have a bite
But a bite is never enough
It leaves me yearning
It draws me near
I touch it
And I fall in love with it’s softness
I smell it
And the scent is so familiar
To my love language;
I taste it
And I’m sold!


cloth with artistic design

My heart is in pain
No, more like in shock!
It’s cold
It’s like I’m present here
But not really present anywhere;
It was beginning to familiarize itself with feelings of love
But it’s been stopped fast on it’s tracks
It was beginning to thaw out feelings of pain and betrayal
But then it met a suitcase full of mistrust and the biggest ball of betrayal;
Now my heart is freezing again
Never to thaw out in the near future!

I’m in a dark room
Fear seems to be familiarizing itself with me
There are seats arranged in a circle
Like in an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting
It seems like there is an intervention going on
But I can’t seem to see the others present
I’m seated in a corner, on the floor
More like trying to hide;
Like a terrified child
The voices in my head are terrifying
One voice in particular is of a sadistic laughter
I cover my ears
My head buried in my thighs
I try to lock them out of my head
But all I can do is cry like a helpless baby
Because for the first time in my life
Life cheated me
It made me a laughing stock
And the ghosts are darker than the room I’m in
I can’t seem to see them;
I’m scared to meet them
And for once, life has punched me in the gut!
I don’t know if I can save myself
I’m scared I might not find my way out of this dark room



body of water between mountains

An endless, sadomasochism pattern;
The attraction for pleasure for my body
And pain for my soul,
In my scented silk, drenched in our aftermath…
I sit by the window in my boudoir,
Reminiscing, tracking the endless pattern;
When betrayal becomes the trend of the season,
The heart gets seasoned in doubt,
And the mind cultivates lingering doubt,
Delicious species masked in shades
My heart flutters in worry
Is he an addition to the pattern?

Casting a silhouette on his ungodly bizarre form,
I stare at the fair hairs rise and fall,
A beast that loves so gentle,
Fatigued from endless lovemaking,
But is it love really?
When he cups my womanhood,
Stares into my eyes, and promises forever…
How long before his grotesque form appears?

Do I speak for all women?
Do we enjoy the pain?
Pain that comes with ungodly thrusts,
And endless patterns of broken hearts
Tempted to think he may be different, but wait…

His eyes flutters open,
Those sinful hazel iris fuel my confusion
He summons with his eyes, stretches out his hands
Walking back into his arms, I fall into him, engulfed
Peaceful only for a moment for like his predecessors,
It won’t be long before he suffocates me in that hold
His hands, trace my thighs,
Invisible smokey wisps floating from the touch,
I stare at those beautiful eyes, His hazel iris
Blue, Green, brown, and him with the baby blue iris
I remember them all
A touch so gentle, a grasp so lethal…

I suppose, my doubts are from the trauma…
An endless, enjoyable pattern;
Gasping for breath from pleasure today,
Gasping for breath from pain tomorrow,
In his arms yet away from his touch
Wondering whether;
He loves me, he loves me not

Scenes and Coffee Podcast

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

close up photo of blue sea waves

I hate having self-talks,
Because therein lies loneliness, nightmares
And a visit to my smelly past,
Which further exposes my inner struggles,
However, this one’s special,
I got to unwind, and reflect,

This love is way too much for me,
She gives it away,
She gives it all,
Like she doesn’t need any of it,
But, wait, does she lose any?
By simply sharing it, jealously, I guess not,
To her it’s a form of therapy,

That she loves me is not in contention at all,
My concern is her expectation,
Didn’t the wise say, to whom much is given,
much is expected?
There goes my greatest worry,
She is too good for me,
I belong to the category of ‘bad’ boys,
The much I try to show my true self to her,
The much she overdoses me with her unconditional love,

Fear has gripped my soul,
I am not sure if I will put up with her high standards of love,
I dream of a day fate will catch up with my pretense,
She will catch up with me too,
What’s the worst that can happen anyway?
Obviously, rejection
Isn’t that so?

After all, I do not have a heart left anymore,
Not only is it worn out but broken and re-broken,
I lost count how many times,
She isn’t to blame at all, I am
For making her pay for the sins of her predecessors,
She will realize how much I took advantage of her,
How much I used her,
To satisfy my vengeance and bitterness,
From the past,
She will love me not anymore

I have a lot of self-conciliation to do,
I am broken, beyond repair,
She did her part, offered me love,
At my greatest point of need,
But did I treat her the same way?
Fate will for sure catch up with me,
I am ready to pay,
Isn’t that what a man exists for?
Paying for everything,
Of course society is wired that way,

This is a dream that I’m afraid of,
I’m tempted to open up and apologize,
But that’s going to sound so cliché
‘Please love, don’t reject me’,
Asking for love again would be too much to ask,
All I need is acceptance, back into her life,
As an insignificant other,
That way, I’d be able to seek her attention,
Without strings attached,

It would be too late to love,
Too fast for her,
My prayer is for life to teach me right,
To learn from my past,
And find peace within me,
But because my heart is not ripe for her,
She will continue to love me not,
Even though, she used to love me

(check out his work)


silhouette photo of person sitting on boardwalk at sunset

He loves me,
He loves me not?

I sit alone in bed
In the ungodly hours of the night
Memories threaten to make my head explode
My bedsheets smell of you
Your sweet scent stuck on my skin
The dirtiness of our sins
Threatening to corrupt my sanity
The longing in my loins
Send a gush of approval
On my thong
Ready to welcome
But you just left
Not too long ago
Yet, I still crave for your touch!

Your sweetness;
Leaves me addicted!
I miss your tender thrusts into me
How religiously you worship my body
I run my fingers around my lips
And I wish you would spend the night,
Just this one time;

Now my bed is too big
For my tiny body;
I keep touching your side of the bed
Knowing too well it’s empty
And I want to call you so bad
To ask you to come back
Just for a minute
So I can have a taste
Of your poison;

But I sit
In wonder and doubt
Questioning If you think about me
With the same intensity I do you
I wonder if you will think about me

When you get home
And she lays next to you;
I wonder if you will make love to her
The same way you did me
I wonder if you will tell her the sweet nothings
With so much conviction
Like you did when we were lost in our paradise;
Just a few moments ago!
I wonder if you love any of us
Or are you in love with her
But love the idea of me?

Still, I want you to hold me
In your arms
Engulf me in your mighty body
Familiarize yourself with my sweetness;
So, tonight
I will hold on
To memories of us
While I wonder
You love me
Or love me not?