How I wish you could take a step back
Look deep in my eyes
Identify my pain and emptiness
Try and relate to it
Dig deep into that pain
And realize how draining
Loving you has been;
I wish you could hold me close to your heart
So that I could listen to your heart beat
And see if it beats for me;
For my heart is lost
It doesn’t know if it can beat for you anymore
I wish you could go back to the drawing board
And identify the parts of you
That drew me closer,
That made me fall in love with you
How I wish you could recognize
The pieces of you
That make you a stranger to me;
My love is patient
But you have drained my feelings
You have taken so much from that cup
That it’s almost running empty
I don’t know how to fill it
All I can do
Is be a silent character in my love story
And watch you dominate
Parts of me
That I have struggled to build
And demolish the walls that barricaded my scars
Those scars of love!
But how can I expect you to give something
That you don’t even have!
Neither do you understand it
Love is a foreigner to you
All you do is take and take
In the pretense of love
You confuse love with selfishness
How can I even think that you will understand my pain
When pain is something you only imagine!
How I wish you would take a second and realize,
That to love is to be vulnerable
Maybe then, you would realize
The most important person in a relationship
Is the other person
In the silence of the night
I stayed awake
Tying to listen to love
But love was silent;
Or maybe tongue tied!
In the cold nights
I tried to reach out to the arms of love
To keep me warm
But it’s hands were numb;
When they enveloped my tiny body
They left me frozen!
In the lonely nights
I called on love
To come keep me company;
But love was deaf
It couldn’t hear me
Or maybe we were having a language barrier!
On those nights
When I was broken in pieces,
When despair engulfed me,
Leaving me lost in my bed
When darkness is all I was familiar with
When I was unable to love myself
When I couldn’t trust myself
And I needed love to bring me back to life
To breath the air of life into my lungs
To resuscitate me,
But love left the room
It took a trip to my dream town
And never came back for me
But I still hoped
I sat still
And healed myself
With the sweet memories of love
I kept the faith, in the strength of love
But when love finally showed up;
It had upgraded
It couldn’t recognize my sweetness
It couldn’t share the table with me
It showed me the gutters
Pushed me out
Evicted me from it’s paradise
Love did not need me to define it again!
I was devastated
Broken into a million pieces
Love pierced my very soul
Laughed maliciously as I tried to pick myself up
I met pain and brokenness
In tattered clothes
And they embraced me warmly
Barricaded my soul
Emptiness looked into my eyes
And I looked back
And I knew I was home
Damn! I was late for love!
When I left;
I was worn out
My heart was exhausted
My brain was tired
It had burn out
Loving you was too much of a task for me,
A tall order!
When I left;
The bare sight of me
A simple look at me
Resurrected your demons
When I left;
I set you free
I let you go completely
But you claim
That I held you hostage
That your heart is lonely
That it’s longing for my love
When I left;
You started a nationwide search for me
Claiming that you needed your love doctor
That only my love could heal you
You alleged that your heart was in ICU
And you needed me to resuscitate it
That I am the secret antidote required for you to function again;
But you forgot that,
When I left
My heart took a walk
And it fell in love with freedom
It could finally breath!
And it fell so hard for the peace and tranquility that was lurking in my vicinity
I realized that I needed to save my heart first!
A few months ago, love died!
I reported the death to the nearest police station
So that they could come and take it to the morgue
I didn’t want to be a murder suspect
In the death of love!
Love died at exactly 2:00 a.m.
On a Tuesday morning.
It caught me by surprise
Love was not ailing
It did not show any signs
That it wanted to die
I suspected that love took its own life
But every evidence
At the scene of the crime
Pointed towards murder
The blood splattered was too much
For it to be a suicide
But there was no murder weapon
At the scene
I searched for it before calling the cops
In case it had my finger prints on it
Deceased at the wee hours of the morning
It made me question if I was the killer
I mean, it was dead silent
And I could not hear the intruder come in
Okay; wait; if there was an intruder at all:
How did he come in?
How did he leave the house?
All the doors were locked
Only him and I had the access to the key
In fact he kept them safely under his pillow when he slept
Wait, could it be him
Who woke up
Tip toed out of bed
Killed love mercilessly
Then went back to slumber
As if nothing had happened
Then tried to frame me
For a crime I knew nothing about?
Could he be so conniving?
How could he?
What if it was me
Who sleep walked to the kitchen
Took the big blue knife
Came back into the room
In cold blood
Then went back to bed after cleaning up!?
No, no it couldn’t be me!
I’ve never sleep walked a day in my life
But why did I have the stains of blood
What exactly was going on here?
And where was the murder weapon exactly!?
Okay, maybe the CCTV footage could help me
Solve the mysterious killing of love
But no, turns out nothing was captured on the CCTV camera!
The cops would be here in a few
What exactly will I tell them happened?
Should I just plead the fifth?
Okay, maybe I should never have called the cops in the first place
But I needed them to help here
I needed the coroner
To rule it out as murder
Maybe conclude that it was suicide
Or maybe say that it was inconclusive
I wanted a death certificate
So that I could start mourning
Start going through the stages
Of grief and bereavement…….
Show me the way to your heart,
So that I can my find my way
To the deepest caverns of your existence
You have given me a single room in your heart
But I want the whole house
I want your heart to beat only for me
In the cold, lonely nights
The memories of your skin on mine
Keep me warm
The memories of your soft lips
Poison my heart
I know I can’t have you in my bed;
For as long as I want,
But I will always hold on
To memories of us naked in bed;
The way you confuse me,
I could call you Confucius!
Thoughts of you
Keep me awake at night.
I want to feed my cravings for you
I could let you use me;
If I make you feel half of what
You make me feel,
Then I don’t ever want to say goodbye!
Sometimes I want to be alone
I want to sink in my misery
I want to master loneliness
To conquer my fears
Sometimes I want to clear my mind
To distance myself from you
To distance my mind from thoughts of you
To distance my heart from your feelings
I want to soak my soul in my pain
To feel every inch of heartache that heavily weighs me down
To bathe in my affliction
To familiarize myself with peace
Sometimes, I want to listen to my heart beat
To hear the rhythmic sound of my breath
To get in touch with nature
To align my self with my purpose
Some times I want to enjoy the silence
In an empty room
To feed from this cup of adversity
That has become a friend to me
It’s the only way I feel alive
I want to get lost in my distress
To find solace in my own arms
To learn how to embrace myself
And get accustomed to the sound of my heart
That beats painfully!
I’m like a natural scenery,
The place where nature
I’m like a museum;
He wants to look,
To let the image of my body
In his photographic memory.
He is fascinated
By how mysterious
I seem to be
He wants to conquer!
He stares at me, like a puzzle
He is trying
My body is a canvas
Art so indelible
It will last a myriad of years
I want to tell you something,
More like confess;
You don’t know this but,
I think about you.
I have a great urge
To call you
And hear your soothing voice
And listen to your endless stories;
I want to come and see you
To make my heart happy!
But then I get cold feet
I get scared to reach out to you;
Not because I can’t
But because of boundaries!
I don’t want to overstep my boundaries
I want to stay in my lane
For I know
Your love is not mine
Your heart belongs to another
It’s sold, packaged and delivered to another
And I don’t want to compete with another.
I don’t know what we are;
Our relationship is not defined
I like it that way though,
I don’t want to complicate it more than it is already,
My heart wants to stay at a safer distance;
Waiting on you,
Is like waiting on a love that will never suffice
For you are mentally stimulating;
Make my mind get an orgasm
And I’m afraid
That I could be a casualty
Of your charming personality!
I had forgotten
The sweet scent of your perfume
Until I met that stranger
A few years ago;
That sweet scent evoked sensual emotions,
Reminded me of home
And how long I had been running,
It reminded me of scars;
Scars of love!
You wouldn’t understand though;
Do you know pain?
Do you have scars?
Scars of love?
That scent reminded me of brokenness,
It reminded me of you!
That sweet scent
Rejuvenated my mind
Buried deep in the caverns of my heart!
I miss that scent;
On your skin
And how hard it made my heart beat
Arousing the hairs on the nape of my neck;
How that scent awakens the good, the bad and the ugly;
Making me yearn for a love so deep
But scared that my scars might be bruised;
You don’t know pain
I don’t expect you to understand
Why I could love you so hard
But let go of you
My heart yearns for love,
But it’s not willing to conform
To the ways of love!
My heart craves for affection,
But it won’t cave in
When it’s shown affection!
My heart wants to feel
The sweetness of romance
But it won’t melt when exposed to it!
My heart wants to be seduced,
But it plays hard to get
Every time a potential suitor is in the vicinity!
My heart wants to be conquered,
But it’s hard headed
It won’t submit itself to another!
My heart recognizes submission,
But it’s dominant
And won’t let another rule over it!